I pounded on a farmhouse lookin´ for a place to stay
I was mighty, mighty tired, I´d come a long, long way
I said, "Hey, hey, in there, is there anybody home?"
I was standin´ on the steps, feelin´ most alone
When out comes a farmer, he must´ve thought that I was nuts
He immediately looked at me and stuck a gun into my guts

I fell down to my bended knees
Saying, "I dig farmers, don´t shoot me, please!"
He cocked his rifle and begin to shout
"Are you that travelin´ salesman that I have heard about?"
I said, "No! No! No! I´m a doctor and it´s true
I´m a clean-cut kid and I been to college, too"

Then in comes his daughter whose name was Rita
She looked like she stepped out of La Dolce Vita
I immediately tried to cool it with her dad
And told him what a nice, pretty farm he had
He said, "What do doctors know about farms, pray tell?"
I said, "I´s born at the bottom of a wishing well"

Well, by the dirt ´neath my nails, I guess he knew I wouldn´t lie
He said "I guess you´re tired," he said it kind of sly
I said, "Yes, ten thousand miles today I drove"
He said, "I got a bed for you underneath the stove
Just one condition, you can go to sleep right now
That you don’t touch my daughter and in the morning, milk the cows"

I was sleeping like a rat when I heard something jerkin´
There stood Rita looking just like Tony Perkins
She said, "Would you like to take a shower? I´ll show you up to the door"
I said, "Oh, no, no, I´ve been through this movie before"
I knew I had to split but I did not know how
When she said, "Would you like to take that shower now?"

Well, I couldn´t leave unless the old man chased me out
´Cause I´d already promised that I´d milk his cows
I had to say somethin´ to strike him very weird
So I yelled, "I like Fidel Castro and his beard"
Rita looked offended but she got out of the way
As he came charging down the stairs sayin´, "What’s that I heard you say?"

I said, "I like Fidel Castro, I think you heard me right"
And I ducked as he swung at me with all his might
Rita mumbled somethin´ ´bout her mother on the hill
As his fist it hit the icebox, he said he´s gonna kill
Me if I don’t get out the door in two seconds flat
"You unpatriotic, rotten doctor Commie rat"

Well, he threw a Reader´s Digest at my head and I did run
I did a somersault as I seen him get his gun
And crashed through the window at a hundred miles an hour
And landed fully blast in his garden flowers
Rita said, "Come back!" as he started to load
The sun was coming up and I was runnin´ down the road

Well, I don´t figure I´ll be back there for a spell
Even though Rita moved away and got a job at a motel
He still waits for me, constant, on the sly
He wants to turn me in to the F.B.I
Me, I romp and stomping, thankful as I romp
Without freedom of speech, I might be in the swamp