Well, I took me a woman late last night
I’s three-fourths drunk, she looked alright
´Til she started peeling off her onion gook
Took off her wig, said, “How do I look?"
I´s high-flying, bare-naked
Out the window

Well, sometimes I might get drunk
Walk like a duck and smell like a skunk
Don’t hurt me none, it don’t hurt my pride
Because I got my little lady right by my side
She´s a-tryin´ to hide, pretendin´ she don´t know me

I’s out there painting on the old woodshed
When a can of black paint, it fell on my head
I went down to scrub and rub
But I had to sit in back of the tub
Cost a quarter
Half-price

Well, my telephone rang, it would not stop
It’s President Kennedy calling me up
He said, “My friend, Bob
What do we need to make the country grow?”
I said, “My friend, John; Brigitte Bardot
Anita Ekberg
Sophia Loren”
Country´ll grow

Well, I got a woman, five feet short
She yells and hollers and screams and snorts
She tickles my nose, pats me on the head
Rolls me over and kicks me out of bed
She’s a man-eater, meat-grinder, bad loser

Oh, there ain´t no use in me working all the time
I got a woman who works herself blind
Works up to her britches, up to her neck
Writes me letters and sends me checks
She’s a humdinger, folk singer

Late one day in the middle of the week
Eyes were closed, I was half asleep
I chased me a woman up the hill
Right in the middle of an air-raid drill
I jumped a fallout shelter
I jumped a string bean
I jumped a TV dinner
I jumped a shotgun

Now, the man on the stand, he wants my vote
He’s a-running for office on the ballot note
He’s out there preaching in front of the steeple
Telling me he loves all kinds of people
He’s eatin´ bagels
He’s eatin´ pizza
He’s eatin´ chitlins
Ooh

Oh, set me down on a television floor
I’ll flip the channel to number four
Out of the shower comes a football man
With a bottle of oil in his hand
Greasy kid stuff
What I want to know, Mr. Football Man, is
What do you do about Willie Mays
Martin Luther King
Olatunji
Whoa-ho

Well, the funniest woman I ever seen
Was the great-granddaughter of Mr. Clean
She takes about fifteen baths a day
Wants me to grow a mustache on my face
She’s insane

Well, they ask me why I’m drunk all the time
It levels my head and eases my mind
I just walk along and stroll and sing
I see better days and I do better things
I catch dinosaurs
Make love to Elizabeth Taylor
Catch hell from Richard Burton